Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The little boy says, That won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"

Another normal day oh wait... is that ron weasley, So i Was like .. Aaah SPiderman and the spideman was like .. Aah Ron haha

Not my chair, Not my problem. thats what I say.

It's the gorvernment's fault I can't find a better job, major in Medieval Literature

Husband: I want divorce. My wife has not spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!

Ever Notice that bullies in cartoons always have names that are onomatopoeic for punching - Like Biff - yes - Whats your name - TED

Do you believe in Jesus - I do - you can do It jesus - now you do - Hmm

The average Asian aging process - From 18 to 120 Years

Once A Girl Asked Her Boyfriend : Why We Have Units To Measure Weight, Height And Distance But Not Love, Friendship And Trust ?

Boy Thought For A While
Took Her In His Arms,
Looked Deep In Her Eyes And Said,

Look, Don't Eat My Brain !
I Have Already Failed In Physics..

Argh - This new layout is so confusing - FB Stop Changing - After 3 Weeks on FB

Your reaction when Mom bring Nutella - MOM brought Nutella...

Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot

Monday, July 30, 2012

He followed me home. Can I keep Him...

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish. Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. 

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"

99.9 Percent of all the lol's are said with a face like this

And I always wondered what happens to me when I go for shopping

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." 

The guys says, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. 

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." 

The lawyer replied, "You're going to love it there... the grass is a foot tall!"

Mom - What do you think I am Made of Money , Kid - Isn't that what MOM stands for...

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

I have a headache - Voldemort must be close.

Both of us can't look good at the same time. It's either me or the house.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." 

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. 

"Consider it done," the genie replied. 

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't slept with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. 

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" 

"35," she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

Ideas to get kids to help out around the house

Find out the real meaning of when someone says 'make Little things count'

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." 

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. 

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. 

"Who are you?" the man asked. 

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Short People Problem - People have trouble finding you because you are easily hidden by bigger objects

Giving Secret nicknames to people so you can talk about them publicly

Taking photo - The way Girls take it, and The way boys take it.

Every Time I see the red light I just think it's you.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Question : You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water.
So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other
Cigarette another deadly answer. Scroll down a little

Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it.
Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the
If that was not enough, one more deadly
answer.... scroll down.

Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)
"TIP TIP barsa Pani.
Pani ne aag lagayee."
us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".

If that was not enough, one more deadly
answer.... scroll down
Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega" :p

Dear Boys - When a girl sends you a request it means she wants to be your friend not your girlfriend, and Dear Girls - When a boy send you a request, It means he wants to be your friend and not your brother

Latest Way of proposing - 2012

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The  undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man  replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance....

Hey Man, I have a problem - yeah my father always said you could just dance your problem away - My problem is you are dancing all the time.

College Id Photo and FB profile Photo

That awkward moment when you've already said what three time and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree

UFCF ultimate Fictional Characters Fighting - August 2012 Arena

Olympic July 2012 - Let the Hunger Games Begin haha

Mustaches and Crime

Dont Raise your voice improve your argument

Alcohol is the worst thing in the world .. My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying - "I love you"

to his Own Wife.

I love the Sound you make when you Shut Up

Girls are totally like that, give a ton of details and stuff... and men use 3 words to describe something

Sardar A: My passport application was rejected. Sardar PH: Why?

Sardar A: They said, " Between my mother's legs" is not an acceptable place of birth!!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I was so drunk last night at the bar,

When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink
I won the dance competition...

Thought of the Day … We live in the era of SMARTPHONES and STUPID PEOPLE!!!

haha So true :D

In case of fire - Exit Building before tweeting about it

My bbm contacts r like entertainment channels..

some cartoon channels,some news,some adult channels,some religious,and some music,some channels don't work 

That awkward moment, When everyone else quit laughing 10 minutes ago, but you can't stop.

Learn to be happy with small things in life, Big ones are usually artificial..

- Pamela Anderson

Old age is when the Wife says- Let's go upstairs & make love..!

And the husband says - Decide one thing,


You keep all your old materials from previous classes with the justification that they might come in handy someday

Using a different word because you can't spell word that you originally wanted to use.

Foreigner : India Mein Sabse Zayda Baraf Kahan girti Hai?

Indian : Whiskey Ke Glass Mein ! :D

Making Faces to a strangers baby when their parents aren't looking.

Everything is Funnier when you're not allowed to Laugh

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Baby sit my little angle she said, it will be Fun she said

Santa was in the restaurant yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to pass GAS. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his Ipod!!

You cant buy happiness but you can buy Ice Cream. And that's kind of the same thing.

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

Please Do Not Disturb, I am Married and already very Disturbed..

The Guy Behind me Cant See

Dear Teacher I talk to everyone so moving my seat won't help

The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mom's!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... "WTF was she talkin about??!!

Oh baby you're so hot, you make my Dark Knight Rise!


DOn't do the Avengers they said it'll be a flop they said - Spiderman

How much better would life be if a liar's pants really did catch fire

Boys Diaries Friend 1 :"Dude she has a husband..." Friend 2 : So what?

Football has a goal keeper,
it doesn't mean u can not score!!!

Yes I sing a lot. No I dont think i'm good at it.

Why I use IMDB - To Check new movie announcements, To see actor's previous roles, To settle an argument

If sumone steps on ur foot n asks: "Did I Hurt U?"

Step on theirs harder n ask:
"Can U Feel My Answer?"

Its my Time say batman to Avengers in an exclusive interview for the Dark Knight Rises

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

With So much exercise - 6 Pack Coming Soon

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." 

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

The Dark Knight Rises Quote - Batman - Joker Said If you're good at somethig, never do it for free... Robin - I was thinking if we give a concept for free

WHen I am in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, I stare out the window and act like I'm in a movie.