Monday, April 30, 2012

Dating is like a workshop the guy works n the girl shops

HAHA :D

Wife finds husband on the terrace all alone, with a glass of whisky and tears in his eyes. She asks: What happened, Darling ?

Husband: Do you remember when we were dating & you were only 18, and we were sitting behind the rocks at Lands End ?

Wife: Of course!

Husband: Do you remember, then your father caught us & told me either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years ?

Wife: Of course!

Husband: I would have been released today

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

Behind the Second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was Que of 200 men walking in straight line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached d man walking with d dog." I'm sorry to disturb u, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many walking in a straight line. Who's funeral is it?". He replied, " that 1st coffin is for my wife"." What happened to her?." My dog attacked n killed her"
"The Second coffin?"

It's my mother- in - law's. She was trying to help my wife when d dog attacked n killed her also".


A silent moment passed and then he asks," can I borrow the dog?" And he replied... " get in the line"

I Feel Lazier than the guy that drew the Japanese Flag...


Sunday, April 29, 2012

Arguing with your WIFE is like wrestling with a hippopotamus in the mud.!

After sometime u realize that u r getting dirty & the"hippo" is actually enjoying it..

Amazing Brain teaser 2012: worth reading :)

[1] FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks).

[2] POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened.

[3] MOPED is the short term for 'Motorized Pedaling'.

[4] BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody.

[5] DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people
withdrew after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped..

[6] NEWS refers to information from Four directions
N, E, W, and S.

[7] AG-MARK, which some products bear, stems from 'Agricultural Marketing'.

[8] QUEUE comes from 'Queen's Quest'. Long back a long row of people
as waiting to see the Queen. Someone made the comment Queen's Quest..


[9] JOURNAL is a diary that tells about 'Journey for a day' during
each Day's business.

[10] TIPS come from 'To Insure Prompt Service'. In olden days to get
Prompt service from servants in an inn, travelers used to drop coins
in a Box on which was written 'To Insure Prompt Service'. This gave
rise to the custom of Tips.

[11] JEEP is a vehicle with unique Gear system. It was invented during
World War II (1939-1945). It was named 'General Purpose Vehicle
(GP)'.GP was changed into JEEP later.

[12] Coca-Cola was originally green.

[13] The most common name in the world is Mohammed..

[14] The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
start with Asia, America, Australia, Europe

[15] The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

[16] TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.

[17] Women BLINK nearly twice as much as men!!

[18] You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

[19] It is impossible to lick your elbow.


[20] Wearing HEADPHONES for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.

[21] It is physically impossible for PIGS to look up into the sky.

[22] The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.

What have you done in your Life - Didnt you read my Tweets...


Say It - I Love my Girlfriend


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Award Winning New Seatbelt design 2012 - 45 Percent Less Car Accidents Guaranteed!!

s

Lying in Bed, Wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.


Love is like a game of chess: One wrong move and you're married!

 :D

An Irishman, A Mexican and A Sardar were sitting down at the bottom of the 20 story building they were working on.

Irishman opened his lunch, and said: " corned beef! If I get corned beef one more time I'll jump off this building!".
Mexican opened his lunch, and said:" burritos! If I get burritos one more time I'll jump too!".
Sardar then opened his lunch, and said:" AlooParantha! If I get it one more time I'll jump too....".


The next day the Irishman opened his lunch, saw corned beef, then jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw burritos, and jumped to his death. The Sardar opened his lunch, saw Parantha, and jumped to his death.


At their funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping: " If I knew he was tired of corned beef, I could've given him something else!". The mexican's wife was also crying:" I could've given him enchiladas, if I knew he hated burritos!".


Everyone looked at the Sardar's wife. She said: " don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch!".

Grandma & her grandson were shopping in a supermarket. The Grandma realised that the kid had picked a toy.

She called out: "Degree, put that toy back!" The kid returned the toy.


An astonished customer asked: ''Is that his name?'' 


Grandma replied: ''Yes, I sent his mother to the University and this is what she brought"

Just too good......Family Problems Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems…… Shot after shot………

The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can’t marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love…… I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.'
The Indian fainted........!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Tsunami and Earthquake Latest news:

Most affected areas by earthquake are Facebook, WatsApp & BBM...

Enough of jokes on the ladies. Now its the time for some male bashing..... (For a change).

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up. :p

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are..

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares???

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!. :*

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
 A: i) no mind ii) no business:p

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.


Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!;;)

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Santa Singh in Serious doubt.? If the expiry of poison bottle is over...


Is it less poisonous or more poisonous ?

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I believe I can really Fly it isnt funny



I want You right Proposal Now Boy to His Girl


Pitcher abhi baaki hai Mere DOst


Wat is common between Mumbai Indians and Indian politics?

Both have a Sardar captain but the team is run by a woman

Never thought Packing My Bag for travel is so much fun


When you really want to slap someone do it and say Mosquito!


A Sardar was driving to LONAVALA with his girlfriend. While driving, he kept his hand on her thighs.sa

She smiled & said U can go further.

Sardar went to PUNE !

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

After So Many Years Of Education . I Just Realized

.
.
Baba Black Sheep, & ABCD - Both
Have The Same Tune....!
.
Now, Dont Try To Sing It!

What every office badly needs


Everyday I am Shuffling Yay


TV was Like - Dont Try this at Home Kids. Then I was Like - Who in the world has roller coaster at Home...


Politicians on a Bus Accident***

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

 A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back." The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how most of them politicians lie."

What is vicious circle???

The boss calls his secretary & says" Get ready for the weekend.We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself"

The husband calls his mistress & says."My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"

The mistress calls the boy to whom she gives tuition "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says "Business trip is canceled.
I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson"

The secretary calls husband "I won't be going"

The husband calls his mistress "I am sorry My wife is not going "

The mistress calls boy "You have tuition"

Boy calls his grandpa & says "Sorry grandpa I've classes"

The grandpa calls secretary and..

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Thoo hai teri Zindagi par


Let's start this morning on a positive note..

"Nothing is impossible when man tries and woman cries.!!"

Dude! Did you gain some Weight?


Everyday and Everything I Eating


There are 3 signs dat a person is working in the corporate world.

1.Stressed
2.Depressed.
&
3. Still well Dressed..!!


Punjabi 9 Important Tips of being a Punjabi

Punjabi Tips #1
If isn't a patila peg, it isn't a drink !!!

Punjabi Tips #2
Oye, Koi nahi yaar is our reply to 'Shit Happens' !!!

Punjabi Tips #3
Which state in India has the highest English speaking population? Before 8 PM - Kerala After 8 Pm - Punjab

Punjabi Tips #4
TANDOORI CHICKEN - The National Bird of Punjab

Punjabi Tips #5
Butter Chicken, Butter Naan and Butter Milk -Three course meal for a Punjabi !!!

Punjabi Tips #6
No Party is complete till people start dancing & singing to ' Oh Ho Ho Ho, Ishq tera Tadpave' !!

Punjabi Tips #7
If you're Punjabi you definately know atleast one Sweety, Sunny, Tony, Jassi or Honey

Punjabi Tips #8
A Punjabi wedding without alcohol will always have a drinks-car parked outside !!

Punjabi Tips #9
When we say Cloney we don't mean George Clooney. It might mean Defence Cloney

Monday, April 16, 2012

When people stop talking to u...

They start talking about u..!! True Story

I Can always make you smile


Dancing Elephant


A notice at wall of a TEMPLE - "Do not leave ur wives alone...

....If they get lost

...u may think it is an answer to ur prayers!"

A Wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening.

The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

Friday, April 13, 2012

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years your job will still suck.

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN..

Man : "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get d promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..
The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

You'll love the answer..!!

"I did.. They're in your fishing box!!

Official Top 5 hindi Shayaris are Back 2012

Agar ho bimar to dhundo chemist,
My name is Khan and i am not a terrorist.

Ek or,

Raat k 2 baje baji ghar ki bell,
Maine Gate Khola, Chowkidar bola ALL IZZ WELL.

Ek or plz

Karna padta hai apne kharcho pe kabu,
Ek chutki sindur ki kimat tum kya jano ramesh babu?

Bas ek or.

Tum bin hum kaise ji payenge,
"Aayenge! Mere Karan Arjun aayenge"

chalo ye last

Call karne se pehle balance jachna
Basanti in kutto k samne mat nachna

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged:- 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?"

At 8: "You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story"

At 18: "You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed"

At 28: "You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed"

At 38: "She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed"

At 48: "You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed"

At 58: "You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story"

At 68: "If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story"

Nice Guy - Sweet Girl - Jerk


Two blondes are playing pool. They play for 3 hours without sinking a single ball. The one blond

asks the other: "Do you wanna cheat?" The 2nd
replies: "Why what do you have in mind?" She
answers: "Let's remove the triangle!"

God mad the first man and woman Right - indeed. And they were naked in the Garden Right - Well Yes. And God Watched Them Right - naturally. So God Invented P#@n Right. hawwwww


I want to Be alone


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Mario Game - Dont Use Drugs Awareness


Female Brain Anatomy


I Know it's hard work loving me, but i'm so glad you don't mind at all.


Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels, be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are Whispering , when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Retard 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are Tougher, Smarter, Faster & Better looking, than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing  WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause Pregnancy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your Ass kicked
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you LOVE them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reeli Gode

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: Where the bloody hell are you? Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day?

Wife, with a smile, blushing: Yeah I remember that my love.

Husband: I'm in the Pub next to that shop.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Buy A Sheep, Name it Relation, You Now have a RelationSheep


And you ask How was your Day


A rabbit runs and hops and lives only for 15 years! A turtle doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years!

Moral:
EXERCISE IS HELL!
SLEEP WELL! :)

Management, Employee and Appraisal - True Story


Stay True Stay You


Wife sent her sindhi husband for shopping. She told him to buy something that will make her look beautiful & sexy.

He came back with 2 bottles of whiskey for himself.

Take ur profession in which u ll enjoy a lot..If ppl would hv taken dis seriously.

Half of d world would have been Px#NSTAR..!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dance next to me Baby and get Slapped


When your phone has no Signals and you go all Lion King On it


Malemployed Defination - When what you for a living makes you want to kill yourself


I Cant Live without you


Dear Women, You Paint Your Lips, Flaunt Your Cleavage Wear Butt-Hugging Jeans - And Then You expect men to notice your Emotions ? Seriously??

Sincerely,                                                
Men

Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going?

Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new bbm dp!!

Boy: Can I hold your hand? Girl: No

Boy: Why ?
Girl: Because it hurts when you leave it
Boy in his mind: Baapre! I am acting but she is overacting