Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A mother taught her son to go toilet by numbers..

1.open ur zip
2.take out d thing
3.pull the skin bak
4.do your pee business
5.pull the skin fwd
6.close the zip
She was very pleased everyday that her son used to recite in toilet....1,2,3,4,5,6 until one day she heard him saying...
1,2,3,5,3,5,3,5.. .. :D

Monday, November 28, 2011

A 54 Year old Woman Making the most of her time before death

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked
'Is my time up?'

God said,
'No, you have another 34 yrs,
2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery,
The woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
plastic surgery and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth !

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

Finally she was released from d hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home,
she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God,
she demanded,
' You said I had another 34 yrs to live.
Y didn't u save me from d truck?'

(u'll love this)

God replied:
'I didn't recognize u.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

How to get Laid:

Lay in bed. Wait two hours. 'Lay' will slowly slip into past tense

What is Stress!!!

You gave a lift to a beautiful girl ;)
she fainted inside your car & you took her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful,

But at the hospital the Doctor said she is pregnant & congratulated you that you're going to be a father.
You denied, but the girl said you are
This is getting very 
stressful

To prove Your not the father, You requested for a DNA test
After the tests, the doctor said you are Sterile and can't impregnate a woman.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.


But On your way home, you suddenly remembered you have 3 kids at home
Who the Hell is their father

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Two Souls in Heaven

Soul One:How did you die?
Soul Two: due 2 cold, and you?
Soul One:I doubted my wife with a man & searchd my house, found none, felt guilty& suicided
Soul Two:Ha ha I was in the fridge!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Old and New meaning of Sorry

Old meaning of sorry: "I won't do it again.

New meaning of sorry: " I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.

Monday, November 14, 2011

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.

She says: "Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh."The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sensational lines from a guy to his girl friend as she is a smoker

"please don't smoke honey, i have better things to put in your mouth"

Brilliant Answers by student who got 0%

Q- In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?
A- His last battle !

Q- How do u stop acid indigestion?
A- Stop drinking acid !

Q- Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A- At the bottom of the page !

Q- What's the main reason for Divorce?
A- Marriage!

Q- Ganga flows in which state?
A- Liquid state !

Q- When was Mahatma Gandhi born?
A- On his birthday !

Q- How will u distribute 8 mangoes among 6 people?
A- By preparing mango shake

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
 The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
 “Do you know where God is, son?”
 The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
 “Where is God?!”
 Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”
 The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
 When his older brother found him in the closest he asked, “What happened?”
 The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “Boss we are in BIG trouble this time.”


 (”I just LOVE reading next line )
 
“GOD is missing, and they think we did it!.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Life today has become so 'LESS' now that -

Our Telephone : Cord less

Cooking : Fire less

Food : Fat less

Dress : Top less

Youth : Job less

Leaders : Shame less


Government : Hope less

Job : Thank less

Police : Clue less

Policies : Aim less

Labor : Effort less

Conduct : Worth less

Relations : Meaning less

Attitude : Care less

Feelings : Heart less

Education : Value less 

Arguments : Base less 

FUTURE : Direction less 

AND Still Our Expectations are :
.....  .... .... END LESS....

Friday, November 4, 2011

For a GIRL which says all MEN are the SAME

should be asked who told HER to try ALL OF THEM..

Priest Helps women with Electronics in Customs

A SEXY & EXTREMELY HOT WOMAN on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a favor?" Priest: "What can I do for you my dear?" Woman: "I bought a costly electronic hair dryer, which is well over Custom's Limit. Is there any way you could carry it through the customs for me ... maybe under your robe perhaps?"
Priest: "I would love to help you dear but I warn you, I will not lie."
When they got to the Customs, she let the Priest go ahead.
Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
Priest: "From top of my head, down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
Official thought this answer strange, so he asked :"And what do you have to declare from your waist to your toes?" Priest: "I have a marvelous instrument, designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Official said : "GO AHEAD, FATHER."A very good morning! :D

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Childhood is like being drunk

Everyone remembers what you did, except you

Facebook has changed everything

Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident & we'd like u 2 to come with us so u can identify the body."

Husband : "I'm a bit busy rite now, can't u take a photo & tag me on facebook? If its her I'll click 'Like'.