The husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him."Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok? Don’t think about it again" she said. The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundred..." The guy collapsed!!!:'(
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it is more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.
4. Many people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then again, neither does milk.
1.We have absolutely no idea where our purse is. 2.We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and shaking our asses while yelling "Woo-hoo!" is the sexiest dance move. 3.On
our last trip to pee we realize that we now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess we were when we showed up to the party. 4.Every song we hear we jump up and down screaming, "OH my God, I love this song!" 5.Every time we see someone we know we break into tears and tell them that we love them ssssooooo much. 6.The geek sitting next to us turns out to be cooler than we thought so we make out with him. 7.We yell at the bartender for just giving us juice since we can't taste the vodka anymore. 8.The bed feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 9.We fail to notice the toilet lid is down when we sit on it. 10.We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault we can't walk straight.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. :p
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest.
In a party a General proudly said that he did 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.
As Brig. next to him said that he did it 6 times before going to sleep
A colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.
General turned towards a young Lieutenant and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night. Lieutenant replied: Only once sir.
General laughed and asked WHY??
Lieutenant replied: My wife wasn't used to it sir!
Father to son: why don't u just go and study? Son: what for? Father: You'll get good marks... Son: then? Father: You'll get good job. Son: then? Father: You'll have big house, new car. Son: so what after that? Father: after that You'll relax. Son: so what do u think I m doing right now???
Boy-"I wasn't that drunk.."
Friend-"Dude you were in my pool trying to find nemo!"
"you asked your girlfriend if she was single"
"You were arguing with yourself, over the phone n got upset wen you hung up"
"you were in my cupboard yelling, "where is narnia?"
"you were throwing rocks at my cat screaming "GO PIKACHU!"
"you hugged a man with a white beard and cried DUMBLEDORE YOU'RE BACK!"