Happy New Year: Alcohol doesnt Make u FAT..

Alcohol doesn't make you fat,  rather it  makes you lean...
....
........
against walls, tables, chairs, the floor.. And hot people.
So... keep drinking *beer*


My last joke of 2010 Happy New Year in Advance have a ROCKING one.....Spread the Laughter x

Adam's first words to Eve?

Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big

this thing gets!"

Eve: "Thats it"

male ear is SELECTIVE

Example: When women say:

This House is a mess, Honey
You nd I need 2 clean this
Your stuff is all on d floor
You will b without clothes
If you don't wash them NOW!

The male ear only understands:

bla, bla, bla, HONEY
bla, bla, bla, YOU AND I
bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW! :) :D

A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City!!

A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:  

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:  


Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 


Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.  

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 -  You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  
 
(scroll and keep reading!)  

PLEASE  NOTE: 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a “New Wives Store”
just across the street.

The 1st Floor has wives that love sxx. 

The 2nd Floor has wives that love sxx and have money and like beer. 

The  3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th Floors have never been visited.

Do you believe in Genies?

Husband and wife playin golf.
Ball goes in an unkown house.
Dey entr d hous & c a broken beer bottl & a man.

Man: I wnt 2 thank u. M a genie. I ws trapped 4 1000yrs in d bottle...
I'l gv u 1wish each, & wil keep 1 fr myslf.

Hsbnd: I wnt a billion dollars.

Wife: I wnt a house in evry country of d wrld.

Genie: Done...

Husbnd: & wts ur wish genie?

Genie: Well,since I hvnt lovd a woman in 1000yrs, my wish is 2 sleep wid ur wyf.

Husband- V'l get lot of money. I guess I dnt mind.

Wife- Event i dnt mind.

Genie tuk d wyf upstairs. Aftr 2hrs of fun genie lukd at her & asked:
Hw old is ur husbnd?

Wife: 35

Genie: Really!!! & he still believes in genies???" ;)...

Try dis awesome tongue twister..!

Say "Alpha Q"
10 times continuously.

Two gays got into heated argument.

First gay got very angry & shouted: "Kiss my asx!"
Second replied: "Listen, we're fighting.. Dont try to be romantic!

Welcome to the "STOCK" MARKET!!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the  villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought. thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! ! Welcome to the "STOCK" MARKET!!!!

When this 70yr Old Dude tells U he has saved Alot!!

A young girl came fully exhausted and tired, after her honeymoon;
When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :When this 70 year old dude told me he has saved a lot from last 50 years...


“I thought It was MONEY”

Funny Jingle Bell SOng!!!

Dashing through the snow
On a V8 wonder sled,
Crashing into trees
Im off my fxckin head!
Been smokin a crxck pipe,
Had a dozen beers or more,
I'm headin to the red light zone
To get myself a whore!
Oh. . . .
Jingle bells,
Jingle bells
Santas smxkin wxed,
Mrs Claus is on the floor
Shes overdosed on speed,
Blitzens fxckxd -
the elves are too,
They're trippxn off their head
And if Rudolf snxrts another line
The cxnt will end up dead!!

Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK :

A young woman several months pregnxnt boarded a bus.  She noticed a 
young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her 
condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved 
again and then on her third move he burst out 
laughing..................She had him arrested. 

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he 
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady  boarded the bus I 
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an 
advertisement, 

which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. 
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a 
shaving advertisement, 

which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. 

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she 
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have 
prevented this accident.' 

The case was dismissed.........!!!

SUPERMAN JOke!!!

Superman was bored after all the crime fighting and wanted to go out and party 

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls  ;)

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him :(

Disappointed Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a beer *beer* ;)

Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman \=D/

Last resort, Superman flew over Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free :|

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman nxked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a bullet...I could be in there, have sxx and be out again before she knew what was happening" 

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily 

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?" :s

"No" said the Invisible Man, but my axs hurts like hell!"

Blonde earns $500 with a lil bit of PAIN LOL!!

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt. He goes up to her and says "My God, you're so hot! With your looks, I've got to have you! Nothing can stop me, I'll give you anything you want but I've got to have you!"
 


The blonde is very shocked and asks him, "What? In the middle of the street?"

The guy answers, "I've got to do it now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I get to do whatever I want. OK?"
Confused by the generous offer, the blonde decides to call her friend in search of advice. The friend says, "It's not a big problem - you can pick up the $500 in the time it'll take him to get his wily out of his pants... Just bend down, take the money and run!"
The next day the same friend sees the blonde walking slowly with a stoop. The friend asks her, "What happened to you!?"
The woman replies, "That son-of-x-bxtch dropped the $500 in quarters!!

You Didn't expect to find me in this BED?

A Wife was sure that her husband
was cheating on her with the maid .. so she made a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach hurts, & went to the bathroom.

The wife quickly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came silently,he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her !!

When he finished & while still panting,

the wife said:
You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you ?
& switched on the light............

No madam, said the GARDENER :P

$1 Million ring can do wonders for you!!

A Boy with a hot Girl entered in a jewellery shop & chose a ring worth $1 Million for her..
Gave a check & said he will collect ring on Monday after the check is cleared..
On Monday jeweller called boy: "There's no money in your account.."
Boy: "I know...... But can u imagine what a weekend I had..!!"

Rxped Prxstxtxte LMAO

Judge to prxstxtxte :'So when did you realize you were raped?' 

Prxstxtxte: wiping away tears:'( ... 'When the cheque bounced.':(

Send me the Wine Bottle back please :P

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant in the States. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a corner. Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said,' Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It  read:'Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Enzo, Range Rover, Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche Panamera in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Spain , Dubai and Morocco, and a 10,000 acre estate in England. There is over 30 million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, even for a woman as beautiful as you are, I am not going to cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back please ;)

Religious Tom is Back!!

Tom goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist??
"Hello, could you give me cxndxm ..............??I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"?
The pharmacist gives him the cxndxm and as Tom is going out he returns and says, "Give me another cxndxm because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.?She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second cxndxm and as Tom  is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move?
During dinner, Tom is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.When the dad gets there,Tom lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later Tom is still praying"Thank you Lord for your kindness."Ten minutes go by and the Tom is still praying, keeping his head down.The others look at each other surprised and  his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
Tom replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

What Exactly did you say to me?

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cxck, 3 pound txstxclxs, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor.  The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says 'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... ? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cxck, my txstxclxs weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!  Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'

Robot Slaps people who Lie LMAO

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides 2
test it @ dinner.
DAD: Son, where were u today during school hours? SON: at School. Robot slaps son! Ok,I lied, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was pxrn.
DAD: ...What?! When I was your age,I didn't even know what pxrn was..Robot slaps
Dad!
MOM: forgive him dear, after all he's your son. Robot slaps mom..

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shxves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he lowers his voice and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made lxxe to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bxtt with wet celxry???'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
'Moral of the message: Always understand what a person is saying before responding

Another BlonDe Joke!!

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL,I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL,I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND,TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?I'LL HANDLE THIS,I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,AND SHE SAYS,"OH, I'M SORRY."AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO "

Guy fairy tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... ?Will you marry me?? The Princess said ?NO!??And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and fxrted whenever he wanted.?The End

Actual label on Consumer Goods!!

In case you needed proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

# On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

# On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
# On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

# On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

# On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

# On Boot's "Children" Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(Yeah cuz kids do that all the time!)

# On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

# On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)

# On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

# On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

# On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Men r honest liars...!

A woodcutter loses his axe & lord offers him both gold & silver
but he takes his own axe &
seeing his honesty lord gives him all 3
Now this woodcuter goes again 2 forest with his wife
 His wife falls into the river
he cries n pleads 2 the lord 2 give hm his wife
Lord brings out Angelina Jolie & asked 'is this your wife
he replied yes
Lord said 'you lied
and
you are gona be punished
 he said 'wait lord i lied cause
if i had said no
u would've taken out Cameron diaz
& if den also i said no u would've taken out my wife n seeing my honesty u would've given me all 3
But m a poor man i cant afford all 3
so i said yes to Angelina
Moral: Men r honest liars...!

How many people believe in GHOSTS haha

A professor in the University of Kabul was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Baba Khan raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big pathani student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Baba, tell us what it's like to have sxx with a ghost?"

Baba replied, "Oh shit! From way back there I thought I heard you say "Goats

I am smarter then my SISTER TEACHER AND PRINCIPAL

GUYS THIS ONE IS A KILLER.....A female teacher who all the class addresses as madam  was havin a problem wit a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said "Madam, i shd be in 4th grade, i'm smarter than my sister and she's in 4th grade". The Madam(teacher) had heard enough of d complain and took d boy 2 d principal's office. She explained evryfng 2 d principal who decided 2 test d boy wit sum questns that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What is 3+3
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6
Boy: 12
And so on,the principal asked d boy all questns and d boy got them right.The principal then told d Madam 2 send d boy to 4th grade. Madam decided 2 ask questns and d principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of,that i've only 2 of
Boy: Legs
Madam: What is in ur pants that you've but i dnt have
Boy: pockets
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends wit T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid
Boy: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky
The principal's eyes open really wide,bt b4 he could stop d answer, the boy was takin charge
Boy: Bubble gum
Madam: You stick ur poles inside me. You tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do
Boy: Tent
The principal was lookin restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle wit me wen u're bored. The best man always has me 1st
Boy: Weddin ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. Wen i'm nt well, i drip. Wen u blow me,you feel gud
Boy: Nose
Madam: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come wit a quiver
Boy: Arrow
Madam: What starts wit 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if u dnt get it, u've 2 use ur hand
Boy: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men ve,it's longer in sum men than others,the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage
Boy: surname
Madam: What part of d man has no bone but has muscles wit a lot of veins like pumpin and is responsible 4 makin luv
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said 2 d Madam 'Send the boy 2 University, I got  last ten questions wrong myself

Guys are Legend LMAO

A girl asks a guy..."Why if a girl has sxx with more than 1 guy shes a slut , but if a guy has it with more than 1 girl he's a legend?! "
The guy replies.. "If a lock can be opened by more than 1 key it's a crap lock.. But if a key can open many doors its a master key."

Modernisation Of Girls

1970 : Love me, but don't touch me
1980 : Touch me, but don't kiss me
1990 : Kiss me, but don't do anything more
2000 : Do everything, but don't tell anyone
2010 : Do everything, otherwise I will tell everyone that you can't do anything

Hilarious One Liners!

*  If you don't believe in orxl sxx, keep your mouth shxt.
* Opinion is like an axshxle, everyone has one.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* Chess players mate better.
* Excuses are like axxes: everyone has them and they all stink.
* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg does not find nuts.
* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.
* Sxx is the price women have to pay for marriage.
 Marriage is the price men have to pay for sxx.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
* If you think sxx is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong