Husband and wife playin golf. Ball goes in an unkown house. Dey entr d hous & c a broken beer bottl & a man. Man: I wnt 2 thank u. M a genie. I ws trapped 4 1000yrs in d bottle... I'l gv u 1wish each, & wil keep 1 fr myslf. Hsbnd: I wnt a billion dollars. Wife: I wnt a house in evry country of d wrld. Genie: Done... Husbnd: & wts ur wish genie? Genie: Well,since I hvnt lovd a woman in 1000yrs, my wish is 2 sleep wid ur wyf. Husband- V'l get lot of money. I guess I dnt mind. Wife- Event i dnt mind. Genie tuk d wyf upstairs. Aftr 2hrs of fun genie lukd at her & asked: Hw old is ur husbnd? Wife: 35 Genie: Really!!! & he still believes in genies???" ;)...
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought. thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! ! Welcome to the "STOCK" MARKET!!!!
A young girl came fully exhausted and tired, after her honeymoon; When her friends asked her what happened? She replied :When this 70 year old dude told me he has saved a lot from last 50 years... “I thought It was MONEY”
A young woman several months pregnxnt boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' The case was dismissed.........!!!
Superman was bored after all the crime fighting and wanted to go out and party He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls ;) Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him :( Disappointed Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a beer *beer* ;) Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman \=D/ Last resort, Superman flew over Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free :| As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman nxked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a bullet...I could be in there, have sx and be out again before she knew what was happening" So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?" :s "No" said the Invisible Man, but my axs hurts like hell!"
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt. He goes up to her and says "My God, you're so hot! With your looks, I've got to have you! Nothing can stop me, I'll give you anything you want but I've got to have you!" The blonde is very shocked and asks him, "What? In the middle of the street?" The guy answers, "I've got to do it now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I get to do whatever I want. OK?" Confused by the generous offer, the blonde decides to call her friend in search of advice. The friend says, "It's not a big problem - you can pick up the $500 in the time it'll take him to get his wily out of his pants... Just bend down, take the money and run!" The next day the same friend sees the blonde walking slowly with a stoop. The friend asks her, "What happened to you!?" The woman replies, "That son-of dropped the $500 in quarters!!
A Wife was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid .. so she made a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach hurts, & went to the bathroom. The wife quickly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came silently,he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her !! When he finished & while still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you ? & switched on the light............ No madam, said the GARDENER :P
A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant in the States. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a corner. Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said,' Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:'Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Enzo, Range Rover, Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche Panamera in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Spain , Dubai and Morocco, and a 10,000 acre estate in England. There is over 30 million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, even for a woman as beautiful as you are, I am not going to cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back please ;)
A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides 2 test it @ dinner. DAD: Son, where were u today during school hours? SON: at School. Robot slaps son! Ok,I lied, I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was pn. DAD: ...What?! When I was your age,I didn't even know what pn was..Robot slaps Dad! MOM: forgive him dear, after all he's your son. Robot slaps mom..
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL,I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL,I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND,TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?I'LL HANDLE THIS,I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,AND SHE SAYS,"OH, I'M SORRY."AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO "
In case you needed proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
# On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
# On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
# On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
# On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
# On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
# On Boot's "Children" Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(Yeah cuz kids do that all the time!)
# On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
# On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)
# On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
# On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
# On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
A woodcutter loses his axe & lord offers him both gold & silver but he takes his own axe & seeing his honesty lord gives him all 3 Now this woodcuter goes again 2 forest with his wife His wife falls into the river he cries n pleads 2 the lord 2 give hm his wife Lord brings out Angelina Jolie & asked 'is this your wife he replied yes Lord said 'you lied and you are gona be punished he said 'wait lord i lied cause if i had said no u would've taken out Cameron diaz & if den also i said no u would've taken out my wife n seeing my honesty u would've given me all 3 But m a poor man i cant afford all 3 so i said yes to Angelina Moral: Men r honest liars...!
A professor in the University of Kabul was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Baba Khan raises! his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big pathani student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Baba, tell us what it's like to have it with a ghost?" Baba replied, "Oh! From way back there I thought I heard you say "Goats
GUYS THIS ONE IS A KILLER.....A female teacher who all the class addresses as madam was havin a problem wit a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said "Madam, i shd be in 4th grade, i'm smarter than my sister and she's in 4th grade". The Madam(teacher) had heard enough of d complain and took d boy 2 d principal's office. She explained evryfng 2 d principal who decided 2 test d boy wit sum questns that a 4th grade should know. Principal: What is 3+3 Boy: 6 Principal: 6+6 Boy: 12 And so on,the principal asked d boy all questns and d boy got them right.The principal then told d Madam 2 send d boy to 4th grade. Madam decided 2 ask questns and d principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of,that i've only 2 of Boy: Legs Madam: What is in ur pants that you've but i dnt have Boy: pockets Madam: What starts wit a C and ends wit T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid Boy: Coconut Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky The principal's eyes open really wide,bt b4 he could stop d answer, the boy was takin charge Boy: Bubble gum Madam: You stick ur poles inside me. You tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do Boy: Tent The principal was lookin restless Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle wit me wen u're bored. The best man always has me 1st Boy: Weddin ring Madam: I come in many sizes. Wen i'm nt well, i drip. Wen u blow me,you feel gud Boy: Nose Madam: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come wit a quiver Boy: Arrow Madam: What starts wit 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if u dnt get it, u've 2 use ur hand Boy: Fork Madam: What is it that all men ve,it's longer in sum men than others,the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage Boy: surname Madam: What part of d man has no bone but has muscles wit a lot of veins like pumpin and is responsible 4 makin luv Boy: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said 2 d Madam 'Send the boy 2 University, I got last ten questions wrong myself
1970 : Love me, but don't touch me 1980 : Touch me, but don't kiss me 1990 : Kiss me, but don't do anything more 2000 : Do everything, but don't tell anyone 2010 : Do everything, otherwise I will tell everyone that you can't do anything